I KNOW ITS BEEN A WHILE BABY.I HAD A YARD SALE AND MADE SOME GOOD MONEY TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
I RAN INTO MY OLD DRUG DEALER BUT I DIDNT RECOGNIZE HER BECAUSE SHE STOPPED DOING DRUGS AND GAINED LIKE 50 POUNDS.
SO SHE BOUGHT BACK ALL THOSE CLOTHES THAT SHE GAVE ME BACK IN THE DAY AT MY YARD SALE.
THEN I SAW A DOG GET HIT BY A CAR BUT NOT ONLY DID I SEE IT BUT I FELT IT TOO.
I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
OH YEAH AND THEN I SOLD A BUNCH OF STUFF THAT IVE STOLEN OVER THE YEARS BACK TO MY DOWN STAIRS NEIGHBORS AND THEY NEVER EVEN REALIZED IT WAS THEIRS IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE THEYRE STONE COLD STUPID AND I RECOMMEND ALWAYS LIVING AROUND NEIGHBORS LIKE THAT.
THEN I RAN INTO ANOTHER FRIEND WHO I DIDNT RECOGNIZE BECAUSE SHE LOST LIKE 50 POUNDS. BUT NOT FROM DOING DRUGS BUT SHE WENT ON THAT SOUTH SHORE DIET.
ERR, WHATEVER.
SO WE WENT TO GET A DRINK AND I LEFT ALL THE SHIT IN MY FRONT YARD SO IF YOU WANT IT, ITS STILL THERE.
I LIVE ON EAST JOHNSON BETWEEN 6TH AND 7TH.
COMING BACK FROM GETTING A DRINK I GOT PULLED OVER FOR DRUNK DRIVING. I DID THE TEST AND PASSED BECAUSE I WASNT DRUNK BUT MR. POLICE THEIF FORGOT TO GIVE ME MY LICENSE BACK AND SINCE HE DIDNT ISSUE ME A TICKET AND I CANT REMEMBER HIS NAME, NO ONE KNOWS WHO HE IS. SO IVE BEEN USING MY I.D. FROM WHEN I JUST TURNED 16. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT WAS OVER 10 YEARS AGO?
ME NIETHER.
OH YEAH, AND WHILE I WAS GETTING READY FOR MY YARD SALE, MAKING SIGNS, MY DUMB DOG STEPPED IN THE CUP OF PAINT WITH ONE FOOT AND THEN ON THE TUBE OF PAINT WITH THE OTHER FOOT AND CONTINUED WITH HER OTHER FEET.
AND NOW I HAVE LITTLE BLACK PAW PRINTS ALL OVER MY APARTMENT FROM CHASING HER AROUND.
AND THEN KURT THE GUY WHOSE BEEN MY BARTENDER FOR LIKE OVER 5 YEARS ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO OUT DRINKIN' FRIDAY NIGHT WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE.
I WAS KIND OF FREAKED OUT THAT THEY WANTED ME FOR SOME KINKY 3 WAY BUT REALLY THEY JUST WANTED A DRINKIN' BUDDY AND KRISTI JO MCCLOSKEY IS THE PERFECT GIRL FOR THAT.
AND THEN I WENT TO SEE HOLLY GOLIGHTLY AND THE DIRT BOMBS AND GOT MY FACE ROCKED OFF.
BUT GODDAMN, THAT GIRL WAS WAY TO DRUNK TO JUMP UP THERE ON STAGE AND I KNEW IT AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW SHE CRASHED INTO THE DRUM SET. I TOLD YOU SO.
AND THEN LAST NIGHT I WENT TO VISIT JACOB AT HIS WORK AT THE GAS STATION AND I BOUGHT US SOME BEER AND WERE DRINKING AND LISTENING TO MUSIC AND MAKING PRANK PHONE CALLS TO OUR FRIENDS AND HE WAS WORKING AND IT PROBABLY WASNT A GOOD IDEA.
BUT THEN I ASKED HIM WHAT THAT BUTTON WAS FOR AND HE DIDNT KNOW AND HE PUSHED IT.
AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW ALL THE COPS SHOW UP AND WE HAVE TO COME OUT WITH OUR HANDS UP BECAUSE IT WAS THE PANIC BUTTON AND WE WERE WASTED AND JACOBS AN IDIOT.
SO THERE YOU GO BABY.
I LOVE YOU.
IF YOURE WONDERING ABOUT THE KIDS...
THEYRE BURIED IN THE BACK YARD.